The Mandarinas
I was grocery shopping earlier this week and I froze in the produce aisle. It suddenly occurred to me I was shopping in a store I have never been before, in a new city that I don’t really want to call home, and I was shopping for all of “our” favorite snacks when I realized I didn’t need to shop with your needs in mind anymore. I had a conversation in my head telling my body it was ok and that I just needed to finish shopping and I could cry in the car. “Push the cart Sarita, keep it together. Head towards the grapes, he hates grapes and you love grapes.” Distract yourself.
The moment passed. I grabbed some grapes, some carrots, took a sharp turn and smack in the face there they were…orange, fragrant, and shiny…the Mandarinas. I quickly rushed over and started searching through enthusiastically picking and pressing them to find the soft and squishy ones that felt the most ripe, just the way you like them. My brain told my body that told my heart that I was picking the yummiest mandarinas to share with you. I made it home, unpacked the groceries, made dinner and shed no tears. Everything was peaceful even my breathing was light. The Mandarinas were getting cold in my fridge.
As I winded down and made a cup of tea, I opened the fridge to grab a snack and saw the Mandarinas, I picked one and cozied up under my blanket to read. Strong. I was doing ok considering everything. As I started to peel the skin off my Mandarina, I could feel my insides starting to tense, it was happening again. I looked down at my half peeled Mandarina and was flooded with thoughts of you. The way you love to eat them cold, the sound of you opening the fridge drawer to grab a handful, the way you would shove them into your mouth and insist on giving me a slice or two. I even missed how annoyed I would get when I would sweep and find pieces of peel on the floor or in your pockets. I closed my eyes and relived these moments in my head like a whirlwind of recent memories. The tears started to come down with a smile on my face. I was peeling as I was weeping and then I opened my eyes to see my perfectly peeled Mandarina. I rip a piece and pop it into my mouth and just like my heart it bursts. Sweet, tart, another tear softly streams down. In this moment, I know Mandarinas will never be the same, cause even the fruit reminds me of how much I love you.